Why don’t Nintendo games have good TV shows? Here are some pitches

In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’ll find all the weird silly stuff we can’t include anywhere else. Some may call it “sub”; we like “an entire page for making terrible jokes that are directly related to the content of the magazine”.

We don’t have (paper) pages on the internet, but we still love horrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Next page. Today, Kate wondered where our Netflix’s thrilling series has…

Turn a thrilling game into a thrilling TV show? Too easy

Something strange is happening in Hollywood. Whenever a video game is made into a TV show or a movie, it’s almost always a suspenseful, sad, unsaturated action-adventure game where everyone has five bearded day and hoarse voice. Unless you’re Nintendo, of course, because Nintendo properties are turned into cartoons and children’s movies.

Why doesn’t Nintendo reboot forcefully, huh? Trust me, there’s plenty of fodder in the Nintendo barn for some Hollywood horror blockbusters… and I would recommend them!

Kirby and the Forgotten Land

Gritty TV reboot -- Kirby
Image: Kate Gray

Kirby’s cute post-apocalyptic adventure will make a perfect thrilling TV show. basically Our Last yes, but with cute dogs instead of horrible zombies.

But we can change that! Just swap cute Awoofies into realistic, sloppy wolves, cast Robert Pattinson as gray-haired Kirby, five days into retirement or something, and let Waddle Dee, I don’t know, Rahul Kohli role, playing an inexperienced but cunning sidekick always trying to impress Kirby. I will watch this 100%.

Also, Kirby has an eye patch.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Gritty TV reboot -- Breath of the Wild
Image: Kate Gray

Like every other game on this list, BOTW has a ton of fun stuff to build a performance around — you just turn the brightness and saturation down, and you’re basically done. half job.

Of course, the show will start with Link waking up in the Temple of the Resurrection, but instead of a fun and exciting trot down the hill to meet a nice old man, I think we should let Link instead accidentally stepped out of the cave. something like an exploding landscape. Villages will be largely destroyed, a handful of survivors scattered throughout Hyrule, and no one to be trusted anymore because they’re all out to get something, or they’re secret assassins secret of the Yiga Family.

I love Breath of the Wild, but I also know that to capture HBO’s attention I have to freely apply a gloss of grit to the whole thing, and I think that’s actually going to be pretty fun. taste. Picture Link shakes at the Temple of Time, greeted by a fading ghost of King Hyrule, only for him to lead Link to a pile of bones in the corner – the last remains of Rhoam. Or defeat Ganon, save Zelda and find out that she used her last strength and life to get you there and save Hyrule, fulfilling both of your fates… and of course, It turns out that Link’s life is tied to hers, and they both die on the floor of Hyrule Castle, satisfied that their journey has ended together.

I mean, come on. I know he’s a magical boy, but he REALLY dies in the game and then spends 100 years taking a nap. He should absolutely die at the end.

splash gun

Gritty TV reboot - Splatoon
Image: Kate Gray

Okay, so for the TV reboot of the Splatoon series, here’s what I’m thinking: It’s a futuristic, neon-tinted West — sword runner response Zombie response The good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe a little kill bill throw in there, just for fun. And Team a. That’s a lot of things.

In the TV show Splatoon, I’m envisioning a cast – a bunch of brilliant Inklings, trained to be guardians of the Earth. There is a mad scientist who invented the ink weapon – a weakness of the Salmonids! — and the film follows this group of ragged survivors as they head out into the world, hoping to find somewhere to call home again.

Luigi’s Mansion

Reboot Gritty TV -- Luigi's Mansion
Image: Kate Gray

Luigi, in this movie, is a retired plumber who spends his days in dimly lit bars, drowning his sadness with endless bottles of Mushroom Vodka. After Mario disappears after a strange lottery win, the world assumes that the shorter Mario Bro is long dead – certainly killed for money – until one day, Luigi receives a letter from his mentor. his former, Professor Elvin Gadd, a scientist. Their research was discredited after a series of failed experiments.

Professor Gadd summons Luigi to the shabby mansion Mario bought with his lottery winnings, and informs Luigi that Mario has been locked up here by a ghost. CLEARLY Luigi thinks Gadd is crazy (it’s him), until a ghost killing Professor right in front of him. Fortunately, anticipating this outcome, the Professor left a piece of paper for Luigi, instructing him on how to use his patent-pending invention, the Poltergust 3,000…


Phoenix Wright: Excellent Lawyer

Reboot Gritty TV - Good Lawyer
Image: Kate Gray

Attorney Ace is tougher than most people realize. Sure, it’s about murder, but dig a little deeper and you’ll uncover the conspiracies, cover-ups, and corruption behind the legal system itself.

It won’t be too far to bring games from the small screen to the slightly larger screen – just dress Phoenix in a slightly darker blue suit, kill his mentor at the beginning of episode one and watch he rose from the ashes. Bonus points if you write about his relationship with Edgeworth as a classic that leaves him feeling torn between law and love!

mario party

Reboot Gritty TV -- Mario Party
Image: Kate Gray

In this fusion of family fun and the Saw franchise, a group of Super Mario characters are trapped in a life-sized board game and forced to play for the biggest part: Their own lives. . Backstabbing, stealing stars and loaded dice are just some of the obstacles to overcome and that’s before you get to the minigames.

But who is behind this paranoid game? It can’t be Bowser again… can it?

Let me know your hardcore Nintendo TV show pitches in the comments. Maybe together we can get HBO’s attention!


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